If I could turn back time... obsessions,confessions & wanna be professions-Greatest Hits Vol.1

This morning I woke up to my ipod alarm clock/speakers blaring Cher's pop hit "If I could turn back time". Most people would have hit the snooze button or better yet changed the song to something early-morning friendly, but I of course did the opposite. The lyrics of Cher's tune cued my emotions to take hostage of my brain, which was basically a 30-minute mental slideshow reviewing the obsessions, confessions and wanna be professions in the early years of my life as the Duchess of Disaster.

Although I was born in July of 1987, my recollection of youth didn't begin until the spring of 1991 when my baby brother was born and we grew from mommy & daddy +2 to +3 forevermore. I barely noticed the changes around me until my first week of Kindergarten, which was also the week my eye doctor decided it was time for me to start wearing glasses. I couldn't wait to show my new frames off to neighborhood friends that afternoon but my new look was upstaged by the devilishly adorable antics of my baby brother. It was that day I realized I no longer starred as the precious baby girl but had been recast as the middle child.

1992

Obsessions: Barbies, books, having hair in sponge curlers--(trying to channel Belle from Beauty & the Beast)

Wanna-be profession: Getting reassigned as the center of the Universe instead of the middle child.

Confession a.k.a D.O.Y. (Disaster of the Year):

Christmas Card time rolled around and mommy dressed all three of us in matching white dress clothes smocked with christmas trees. My older brother and I worked so hard to perfect our grins and angelic faces but baby brother wouldn't stop crying thus mom suggested we take a break on behalf of the screaming tot. As W, (older brother) sat quietly in the corner and played with legos I scooted right upstairs to sulk in my room. It only took a glance of my favorite book at the time Amber Brown for an idea to garner attention for myself. The next thing I knew I had drawn a round black spot on my dress. It took my guilty conscious about 10 seconds to catch up with my misbehavior and I knew I had to get the spot out (I thought mommy does it all the time) so I grabbed a pair of scissors and cut the black dot from my dress (some stain removal). Cue the waterworks and a confession to mommy for accidentally purposely cutting a hole in my dress to get attention--I thought I was back in the game...my little brother is a baby. Regardless of when I was ready to come to terms with my role in our family the middle child and only girl syndrome were one in the same to my parents and my brothers, both involved me and only me along with lots of tears, amusement and emotion.

1997

Obsessions: Girl Power, Hanson Brothers, wearing athletic leisure clothing, new balances & "Gap Socks".

Wanna Be Profession: Dream job would have to do with American Girl Magazine & the icon that is Molly McIntosh.

D.O.Y. (Confession): After recovering from my stage fright incident it was time for the fourth grade to begin. Back-to-school shopping really didn't consist of much other than new tennis shoes and school supplies since I already had several uniforms from previous years. Tennis shoes made a statement since representation through clothing was not an option. The day before school started mommy planned to take us shoe shopping, well to my surprise shoe shopping never happened because my grandmother had purchased a pair of shoes for me while she was out earlier in the day. Luckily, I was down the street when she delivered her thoughtful purchase, because I lost it after realizing she had purchased none other than L.A. Gear Pink Light Up Shoes for me to wear to school. Light ups were cool for like a second in kindergarden but clearly unacceptable in the fourth grade. The light ups were an ongoing joke amongst my peers as I provided instant pink lighting to darkness, mommy finally bought me a pair of stylish nikes after the light ups ruined a surprise party I was attending.

Things were pretty smooth until the summer before seventh grade in 1999.

Obsessions: Abercrombie & Fitch, Timberlands, Flared Jeans, Teen Magazines, 10 things I hate about you, AIM...

D.O.Y. (Confession): hair dresser has breakdown on tween's hair

Our family hairdresser was on maternity leave and recommended me to one of her friends to get my haircut until she returned. I've never had long hair, nor have I ever wanted or had a hairstyle that requires much. The hairdresser, "B*" was so friendly and hip I was excited for her to give me a summer cut before I headed to the beach. Since both of my brothers had gone first my mom left to drop them off at another commitment while "B" cut my hair. Before the butchering began I had shoulder length hair perfect for a 12-13 year old girl. When mommy arrived back at the salon I hadn't seen the final product but could tell something was the matter by the terrified look on her face. I had gone from having Britney Spears hair circa 1999 to having Britney Spears hair post shaved head.... it was basically a bowl-cut. Luckily, butterfly clips and other hair accessories had not been identified by the fashion police just yet, but I was still one tragic looking tween.

*Butcher-for the whack job she did to my hair!

Wanna-be-Profession: Despite my lack of hair, I had grown from a representative on student council, to the vice-president which inspired my dreams of becoming the first female president. I had no concept of time, the future or politics and thought that continuing the efforts of middle school student council was a gateway to a career in successful politics.

this concludes today's edition of early defining delights and disasters...stay tuned for more obsessions, confessions and wanna-be-professions as we tip top into the 2000's later this week!

xoxo- D.D.

So Long Daddy Warbucks! Hello Hard-knock Life!

Today I was doing some serious mathematics and I arrived at the following answers:

Question 1: How many days left until Graduation?

Answer: Less than 60

Question 2: How many days left until life on a full scholarship* is over?

Answer: Less than 80

*For those unfamiliar with what the Duchess of Disaster Full Scholarship entails it goes a little something like this. Once upon a time back in 1987(M) Mommy & (D)Daddy Disaster decided they would fully fund all of the Duchesses expenses until January 1st following her college graduation.

Basically, I feel like an actress who did not get her contract renewed on the Emmy Award winning sitcom she has starred in since birth. Like most actors who get canned on a Primetime show, I'm about to enter an unknown era where the security of my youth is nothing but a memory in the past. Despite my fear of the unknown, I am encouraged that so many of you are conquering the boardrooms of big girl world.

Instead of prematurely embracing Mommy's famous response to my daily disasters or in this case, the next chapter in my life "Put on your big girl panties and deal with it", I've decided to share three of my favorite explanations for exceeding my allotted monthly scholarship budget.

The summer before college I was in St. Simons at the beach with some friends. D had just issued my first credit card and instructed me it was only for emergencies and gas. My first emergency occurred on the last day of our 4 day stay. Before we hit the road we decided to stop at the Tibi Outlet to shop around. I thought to myself "a few purchases totally qualify as a fashion emergency". After I had decided what to buy I went to the register to pay for my purchases and swipe "plastic money" for the first time. 30 minutes later, after going through my entire suit case and purse we decided the card was officially lost. This meant I couldn't buy anything from Tibi and I had no credit card, so my friends and I decided I should call the company any cancel the card. Good thing I knew all the information necessary for a transaction like this because I ended up canceling D's credit card by mistake as well. Later that night when we arrived home I was greeted at the door by Mommy who informed me that D tried to pick up the tab for dinner out with clients and his credit card was mysteriously declined. I not only got in trouble for losing the card, but also for trying to condone shopping for clothes as an emergency.

Luckily, the rest of the summer my credit card purchases were minimal. Things changed when I arrived in Auburn that fall. One afternoon I received an e-mail that read:

From: D@daddywarbucks.com

To: Duchess

Darling Duchess,

Glad you're studying so much at Sky Bar Cafe, they must have great coffee, since you buy thirty dollars worth every Wednesday, Friday and Saturday. We'll have to get a cup when M and I come down for the game next weekend.

xxx,

D

The next weekend he accepted the fact his only daughter had fully emerged herself into the college experience. After all Sky Bar Cafe is a bar that serves anything but coffee. During that same visit, D also inquired about my frequent purchases at a Gas Station called the Chevron. It took him about 30 seconds to realize that I wasn't getting gas but instead shopping for beer. My under the radar spending was overlooked until my first Christmas Break home from college. The day after Christmas he received a notice in the mail I had accumulated almost $1000.00 in parking tickets.

Maybe tomorrow I will embrace life as a Frugalista....

D.D.

Stage Fright

This week's posts are inspired by the fears, frights, tricks and treats of Halloween. In the spirit of this hallowed day I thought it was fitting to share this story..

This past weekend while at home I found myself looking through some memorabilia from my summers at camp. With the boxes of letters and pictures came a memory I will never forget and it went a little bit like this...

I had all the credentials to be cast in Rockbrook Camp's 1997 production of Oklahoma! At only nine years old I had already taken the stage as "The Queen of Hearts" in the first grade play, and convincingly shared the biography of the first African- American female Senator in the third grade Biography Book talks. Following what I thought was a successful audition during the first week of camp my counselor prepared me for the probable disappointment of only being cast as a part of the chorus of farmhands. Since I was a younger camper and my audition consisted of singing a personal rendition of MmmBop and quoting lines from Home Alone things weren't looking favorable.

Finally, it was dinnertime on Thursday of audition week and my cabin mates and I enjoyed grilled-cheese and tomato soup. The mess hall quieted down as the camp director approached the podium to share the highs and lows of the day. At the end of his announcements he mentioned that the Oklahoma! cast list was posted outside the mess hall. About five minutes later I made my way through a mob of campers to find out I was cast as the male lead, Will Parker. Tears streamed down my face as I was so excited, yet confused that I had been cast as a boy!! The next few days were filled with standard camp activities, dances, Oklahoma! rehearsals and costume fittings.

As far as singing goes, I sell out concerts when I'm in the shower. I don't mind singing in groups but solo's in public are not my cup of tea. I was so relieved to find out that Will's solo had been cut since we were only performing some of the scenes from the famous musical. The last week of camp crept up so quickly and before I knew it the morning of the performance arrived. Since parents,friends and the community were encouraged to come to the show it was held at a local college theatre to accommodate a larger audience. Until the day of the performance the only place we had practiced was in the mess hall so a real stage was overwhelming! Just as we began to run through the first act, the director decided that my solo was necessary to the play's authenticity so it was added back in. I spent the rest of the rehearsal trying to re-learn the song and every moment in between I was panicked and sweating bullets. All of a sudden the audience filled the room, the overture began and the spot light was blinding....it was SHOWTIME!

Reciting my lines was a walk in the park and our performance was coming along seamlessly for a camp production, that is until the introductory music to my solo began. I was literally stuck in my boots unable to move my mouth or my body. All I could do was stand like a deer in headlights and occasionally wave to the audience. Seconds that seemed like decades passed before the female lead, an older girl in camp decided to take charge. She grabbed my hand and pulled me around the stage while singing what she knew of the song. Moments later the curtain went down and the rest of the cast filed onstage for the final number. I still couldn't move and didn't until "mommy" and three friends from home surprised me with flowers and hugs. My career in drama was officially up in flames, the girl with the credentials couldn't pull through. Thankfully it was the last day of camp and I got to return home following my flop of a performance. My favorite food, friends, flowers and movies wouldn't break my silence on my ride home from camp. I finally started to return to normalcy when one of my friends told me a rumor got started I came down with a vicious case of larengitis moments before my solo.

For the next two summers I spent a month at camp on the crystal coast of North Carolina, it was there I traded in my stage fright for a fear of heights and to this day remain a zip-line virgin.If it weren't for this nightmare on stage I wouldn't have given my next obsession a whirl--middle school politics a.k.a student council. Luckily no singing was involved but I could never say goodbye to witty one-liners and costumes.

Hope you're having a spooktacular Monday... More mayhem tomorrow!

Trick or Treat,

D.D.

The legend of the ladies room

Forget reality t.v., walk into any ladies room in a bar, restaurant or social gathering spot and you are guaranteed more entertainment than a 30-minute scripted "reality drama" could ever offer. Even if I don't have to go to the bathroom its nice to escape "the jungle" known as a bar to re-group, freshen up and chit-chat without screaming or using some sort of digital communication to talk . Its hilarious to me that men are so enamored by the goings on of the girls rest-room. Instead of leaving them out in the cold forever on this hallowed piece of ground I decided to explain a typical night in the ladies room with the help of some popular t.v. shows.

Project Runway: Even though Heidi Klum and Tim Gunn are not there to host and mentor contestants of the ladies room version of Project Runway the drama and competition is equally fierce. Uncomfortable shoes, broken dress straps, ripped tights or spills on perfectly white blouses are just a few of the possible wardrobe malfunctions that occur on an average night in the ladies room; however, there is always a girl overly-prepared with nail polish, band-aids and a tide stick to fix seemingly tragic problems! After repairs are completed, ladies still have to walk the catwalk in front of a line of other bathroom dwellers far more intimidating than the critiques of Michael Kors and Nina Garcia. Whether or not the panel of judges a.k.a the line of girls mentions there is toilet paper stuck to a ladies shoes is totally dependent on the amount of time the lady spent in the stall... One day you're in and the next day you're out!

Therapy Session: My favorite use for the ladies room! I cannot tell you how many times several of my girlfriends have crowded into the handicapped bathroom stall to wipe away unnecessary beer tears, remind someone that liquid courage is all you need or Prince Charming is in the next bar. Unfortunately the wooden panels that serve as doors on bathroom stalls are anything but soundproof. Secrets, confessions and juicy gossip spew like hot magma from a volcano for all other bathroom inhabitants to either ignore, translate or pass along to the rest of the world.

Let me remind you that all of this action occurs within the bathroom stalls... so you must be wondering what are the lovely ladies who patiently wait for their own turn in the stall doing? I call it LIVE GOSSIP GIRL: Most of them are entertaining themselves with commentary on the status of the therapy sessions, some are sharing their versions of the drama within the stalls to friends around the world thanks to cell phones. The icing on the cake is the entrance of the token "Blair Waldorf", equipped with her posse. Once these girls step foot inside, the bathroom empties like the street of an Old Western film. For the next 30 minutes Blair and her crew will participate in their own version of the therapy session, project runway and will be likely to graffiti the walls with some sort of joke or symbol that they were there.

These findings were compiled after 4 years of fieldwork in various bathrooms around the southeast. Although, I wish I could clear out a bathroom like Blair Waldorf, I was always the one wiping beer tears while being reminded no one would notice the run in my tights, stain on my shirt or remember that I had just tripped myself in front of the entire bar. "Trust me Duchess, All you need is some liquid courage! Prince Charming is waiting at the next bar!"

Delights & Disasters

In the Spirit of the weekend Friday's are now officially titled : Drum Roll please....

Delights & Disasters

Think Rants & Raves or Highs & Lows of the week:

Delights:

1. I'll be on a plane this time next week! Hooray!

2. Tonight is my first night out as a 5th year... people don't think that's the equivalent of failing the 12th grade...right?.

3. Tim Gunn and I are back to our weekly relationship. We were kind of on the outs since he was cheating on me with Lifetime, but I'll get over it.

4. My beloved Harry (my car) is being returned to me tomorrow! I've missed the ole' clinker!

Disasters:

1. Piggy Pox are on the loose... praying they stay away from me!

2. The Song "Tardy for the Party".... if you don't know what that is... trust me you're better off not knowing!

3. Some of the outfits I've worn throughout college. Why didn't ya'll ever call Stacey and Clinton?

Please feel free to share your own delights/disasters! Cheers!

D.D.

Warning Labels

Forget having a supernatural ability. I'd rather be able to have and of course read a "Warning Label" when introduced to an unfamiliar person and/or activity. Sort of like a cousin to Facebook...

For instance my warning label would/should/WILL read:

Hello my name is the Duchess of Disaster,

This is your WARNING that it's highly likely I will act extremely awkward or participate in some unknowingly ridiculous behavior at some point before the end of the day. Prepare yourself for raised eyebrows and unstoppable giggling. Please enjoy my absurdity for your personal entertainment!

Disaster's Dictionary included the following examples to further understanding:

To act extremely awkward:

(v.) to participate in minimal/surface interaction with friends in academic/collegiate settings.

(v.) Giving side hugs/handshakes when nervous.

(v.) To screen your phone call, listen to your message and e-mail/text response minutes later.

To behave in a ridiculous manner:

(v.) To lose any expensive belonging at least twice, cry about it & start a mental fundraiser to raise funds to replace it before mommy realizes its missing.

(v.) Misuse household cleaning products for face wash.

(v.) To have or have had a personal cab driver/text messaging relationship.

Oh the possibilities if we/ I had warning label capabilities...

Here's another recommendation:

Mommy's Warning:

I should be a game show host, own my own cell phone company and be a stockholder in the sticky note industry. Despite my Question-Queen reputation, I only drill my family, friends and associates with questions and respond with the phrase UH-HUH. My cell phone is constantly attached to my ear and if its not I am texting my children since they are all away at college. You could cover my house in sticky notes because I have to remind myself to text the children their daily lists of activities and chores in between scheduling my exercise regime and bridge lesson.

This warning does not apply when I am in my garden and planning weddings. Getting a sticky note from me with a list of things to do bumps you up on my speed dial list and is also a sign of endearment.

How do you feel about the warning label suggestion? What would yours say? Is mine accurate?

Enjoy your thursday!

xoxo,

D.D.

Dear Duchess, We cannot hire you

I'm back and promise to write consistently! Thanks to all who have read so far..what loyal readers!

It was a Sunday morning just a few weeks ago when I received the following two e-mails. The first read:

8:15 a.m.

Dear Applicant,

Thank you for your interest in applying for the hostess position at the _____ _____. Although you showed enthusiasm and promise we are UNABLE to hire you at this time. 

Sincerely, The Computer who conducted your interview

& the second e-mail...

8:21 a.m.

My Darling Duchess,

Your father and I have decided you are NOT ALLOWED to join us at the beach unless you find a part-time job. You've had all summer to do this so NO excuses! Wouldn't it be SAD if you had to spend your week of summer vacation looking for a job? Update me with your progress. You can do it and you really need to get some sun.

love, mommy

At this point my eyes were welling with tears and all I could do was hide underneath my covers and hope I would win the JackPot Lotto later this week(HA!). I couldn't decide which was worse; that I hadn't gotten the job or that I wouldn't be able to go to the beach. My final summer school exams were the next few days... I needed to study not find a job! Thursday rolled around and my exams were over and it was technically my week-long summer vacation...PARTYY!!!(NOT) My college roommate of 3 years was flying in to graduate and I was planning on staying the weekend and of course landing a dream job in the course of 72 hours. Friday morning I woke up early with a slight headache from the previous evenings festivities and the lingering fear I was going to have to sell my soul to random businesses all afternoon. 

After procrastinating ( which basically consists of reality t.v., googling celebrities & conversing without speaking a.k.a texting, g-chatting fb) for a few hours I finally got dressed and agreed I would go for a quick lunch at a cute eatery with my roomie before I began what I thought was going to be a Devil Wears Prada like day. After arriving at the restaurant,which is one of the few relatively nice lunch options, in our quaint college town, there was a line wrapped around the corner so we put our name down and noticed a new store opened two doors down. We had nothing else to do so we went in and began chatting with the adorable owner and checking out all of the lovely merchandise. Our buzzer went off which meant our table was ready and we headed to lunch. 

As we were walking out of the store my roomie turned to me and said "You should totally work there"! She reminded me of why I was qualified for the job not to mention the fact I had nothing to lose and after lunch we returned to the store where I landed a position! Although, it was not what I expected the opportunity was very rewarding and allowed me to do the following things: 1. Get a part-time job 2. Go to the beach  3. Use my creativity! 

Of course my path to employment has been unconventional and some would say I was procrastinating all summer but I believe its all about timing. It took me all summer to realize I could not get to point C without going through point A and point B. 

Conclusively: If doors are shutting in your face or the well has run dry consider this great thought:

Bottom line - you never know what the future holds. Something that seems bad today could end up to be something good tomorrow. You might meet the love of your life at the second job you had to take to make extra money. The Universe works in mysterious ways. Your only job is to keep showing up and staying open to hope.

--Anonymous

Stay tuned....XOXO D.D.

Out with the Old..In with the New

Typically, this popular tag-line frustrates me! As fond as I am of cutesy quotes and rhyming phrases this is one of the few I cannot quite embrace. Currently, I am in the process of moving, well unpacking at this point and am still waging in an epic battle against myself in terms of the definitions of “treasure” & “trash”. Even though some of my college memorabilia is worn, torn, tattered & fragrantly sour I cannot bring myself to part with it!

If you’ve ever interacted with me for more than five minutes you know that I STRIVE for organization, functionality & fun…however, I will be the first to admit that I lose things easier & more often than most, can be totally random and overly-enjoy the comfort of my own bed! It is not an intentional activity it just happens…not on a daily basis but more regularly than I would like. Maybe it’s my obsession with stacks, notebooks, compartments, & shelves that aides in my misplacing of personal items or  the hope my mommy won’t ever notice I’ve misplaced my umpteenth piece of jewelry while I attempt to have a personal fundraiser to collect funds to replace the missing item.

Now, in regards to moving, if I would have chucked a large majority of my favorite and most treasured college memories that were lodged in the jungle underneath my bed I would have never have found half of the things I’ve spent the past months searching for. Instead of disregarding all of my college keepsakes I’ve come up with a new motto for moving, growing up and entering big girl world and this has been especially comforting since I am unable to embrace “Out with the Old In with the New..” Consider this instead: “Re-model the Old into the New You!” Instead of saying goodbye to all the things you have held dearly for all of eternity, pack them up and keep your favorites in an easily accessible place. Now, you can take your mind on a jog through the highs & lows of college anytime your little heart desires, while moving forward in the wonderful land of POCO! (Post-College) This way you can have the best of both worlds all at the same time!

xoxo,

D.D.

P.S.

Congrats to all of my real world amigas1So proud of ya’ll for all of your new jobs!!

 Congrats to all of the newly-employed friends of mine!

9-5-No sweat you’ll be just fine!

Remember cocktail hour starts when you get off work

And you have no homework-yes that’s a major perk!

 

 

I'm dreaming of a.....

Home Alone was hands down one of the most iconic films of the 90s and is also a personal favorite of mine. It was love at first sight when undeniably adorable yet devilish Kevin McCallister delivered one of his many hilarious one-liners "A large cheese pizza just for me". 

A few weeks ago my love for this cult-classic was renewed but in a unfamiliar perspective.

This summer I've adopted an early to bed, early to rise routine. Let me preface I've always had a very tumultuous relationship with alarm clocks and have been mindful of scheduling classes in the later morning and afternoon to avoid oversleeping. However; this summer I've had an 8 a.m. class everyday therefore I routinely set and strategically place 3 alarm clocks around my room making it difficult to oversleep! A few weeks ago it was finals week for the 1st summer session and the night before my exam arrived. I tucked myself into bed at 10:30 after thoroughly studying all week and was eager to take the test the next morning. The next thing I knew it was 9:30 a.m. the morning of my 8 a.m. exam!

Watch the first 10 seconds of this clip to get the full effect of my panic. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oGrLLn4nooQ

The next 10 minutes of my life I was so overwhelmed its hard to say exactly what I did but I can tell you I've never committed such a heinous fashion crime in my life.. well maybe freshmen year when I ran around in the ninja costume.By 9:45 I arrived out of breath with crocodile tears streaming down my ghostly pale face to the exam room sparsely filled with my peers since only 30 minutes remained in the allotted time. My professor had been a stickler for attendance and tardiness so I was sure she was going to expect me to turn in the exam at the end of the remaining time. As the classroom finally emptied she approached my desk and granted me an additional two hours to finish my exam. 

After I turned in my exam my teacher reminded me that what is important in regards to this situation is not the fact I had a nightmare of a morning and was two hours late but how I chose to react to the situation by showing up and not blaming my absence on some rinky-dink doctor's note. We all have the ability to turn any situation around so don't be discouraged if something doesn't go according to plan, consider it an opportunity to try a new direction.

xoxo, 

Buzzes' girlfriend Woof!

Rolling out the Red Carpet

Welcome to Delightful Disasters! This blog will feature a collection of posts, pictures, links etc. illustrating my delightfully disastrous journey through my final months of college and beyond. As I prepare to finally jump off the "high-dive" into the Big kids Pool...aka.. The Real World my stories will probably focus on the intimidation, fear of the unknown future and utter cluelessness about transforming myself into a productive member of society. Humorously enough I've found that the person I am today is simply the little girl version of myself all grown up..same girl just the 2009 version! Cheers to life and laughter after all I am the Duchess of Disaster!